Trigger Warning for discussions of mental illness as well as sexual and emotional abuse, but no graphic descriptions.
Hi, my name is Angie- I’m a cis-female, queer, pan-sexual, feminist, polyamorous, kinky (sub-identified), anarchist, pro-choice, atheist agnostic, smart as heck, bad-ass gal. I had an abortion at 21 and have never for a second regretted that decision- it is one of the best choices I even made. I’m also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, a survivor of an emotionally abusive and sexually coercive relationship, and I struggle with depression and anxiety.
For a long time the worst part of having a mental illness, or dealing with the childhood sexual abuse I experienced, or having survived an emotionally abusive (but not physically abusive) marriage was feeling so like I was the only one with these problems. I occasionally talked to my closest friends about this stuff, but not often or with any real depth. I felt so ashamed and ALONE. No-one else had these problems, right? I just had to pull up my big girl panties and deal…right?
And then a funny thing happened. Well, it was not so funny actually. At the time it was awful. I was at a weekly discussion group- we talked about our feelings and shit like that, usually just “my boyfriend is driving me nuts” and the like. But this week one of the women needed to work through some of her own issues around the sexual abuse she was subjected to as a child. While in group I was fine, and basically as soon as it ended I freaked. I was more triggered than I had ever been before or than I’ve been since. I was pretty much unable to function for about a week. I lived at Twin Oaks at the time, and I wrote what we call a “mailbox letter” laying out why I was freaking out and my history. I did this mainly so the 100 people I lived with knew what was up and why I was either walking around like a zombie or hiding in my room.
An amazing thing happened. Person after person came up to me and said “I was raped as a child, if you need to talk let me know,” or “my ex-husband was emotionally abusive and most people think it’s not a big deal cause he didn’t hit me- but it is and I’m here if you need someone to vent to,” or “I’m bi-polar, if you want to talk about what’s possible with anything from meditation to medication let me know.” Literally DOZENS of people made these offers- dozens out of a group of 100. I slowly found my footing again with the support of my friends, community, and the amazing online groups at After Silence. I discovered that 1 in 6 American women have been raped (globally the number is 1 in 3), that emotional abuse is on the rise and has similar (long term) consequences as physical abuse, that men experience domestic violent almost as often as women, and that I was most definitely NOT ALONE.
And I got MAD. I got mad that I spent so many years silent and ashamed, when I could not only have been getting help from those around me, but also supporting other people. And that is when I blew the doors off of my (very full) closet with a bazooka. Suddenly I wasn’t just a gal with issues, I was a gal who could help people! And I did, I do. I started doing peer counseling with other survivors of abuse and rape. I started giving workshops on BDSM and feminism, and talking about how important BDSM has been to me as I heal from past abuse. I talked to other women who had abortions and felt awesome and empowered by that decision, but pressured by social messaging to express regret and sadness.
I tell people I have a sexual and emotional abuse history, or had an abortion, or have a weird malformed blood vessel in my brain that might explode and kill me someday (but is unlikely to unless I’m hit really hard in the head in just the right spot), just like someone else might say “I went to Catholic school,” “I like bacon,” or “I’m an only child.” My history- both the amazing and the terrible parts, shaped me into the woman I am today, and I LIKE that woman. I refuse to be ashamed, and my goal is to share this with as many people as possible. Wanna help?
Very nice start. i am in of course.
Angie, love this post. I struggle with the question of how open I should be about my past– I often keep a lid on my history because I don’t want to be a downer, or I don\’t want to trigger anyone, etc. And really, how much of my identity do I want to be formed by something I didn’t sign up for? I didn\’t sign up to be a survivor; obviously, I’m a survivor because of things I didn’t consent to!
(I mean, yes, I guess I signed up to SURVIVE rather than drop dead, but is that saying much? Is it ultimately more helpful/healing for me to embrace being a survivor, or to just move on? Am I really moving on, or am I repressing something? Is some sort of weird, deeply planted shame leaking out in my reluctance to call myself a survivor?)
But at the same time, it’s so helpful for others to hear that they’re not alone, that people who seem to be doing OK have shit in their histories too, and all that jazz. And I’m certainly not ashamed of what I’ve been through.
Big issues. Glad to see you’re tackling them in such a positive way.
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Angie ~ The world needs more honest, forthcoming, “fearless” people like you to help all of us get out of the dark ages. Thanks!
I am feeling alone too. I’m a guy. I think I may be sort of bi… maybe a Kinsey 1 or 2 depending… on what, I’m not too sure. I like girls… a lot. I’m a bit envious of them in that it’s so easy for them to be touched if they want to be. It would seem, “Just” send out a signal that you’re not opposed to some physical friendliness and a line forms. If you’re “good looking” you typically have the reverse problem… – Just let me alone! I’ve been alone and I don’t like it. I’m alone in my sexless-for-years marriage.
I don’t want to be just a touch-taker either. I love orchestrating sensual experiences for women. It’s like I’m a conductor playing a symphony with all its variations in theme, intensity, color, etc. I love getting women to trust themselves enough to lose themselves in my ministrations to have really intense orgasms, especially squirting. I love it when a woman “just gets it” and can learn once & for all that she is in control of her feelings and can open herself without fear of her own demons. I battle a “guy thing” here, I guess – like… OK, we proved you can go there; you loved it; why is this the same problem all over again every time? Can’t you remember what it was like and unambiguously just allow it (or even help it)? Why does it have to be a battle with yourself every time? (Obviously the Demons feel there has been a convenient failure to communicate…).
Before I was alone, I had a girlfriend who really liked doing my ass. Normally, that’s a lot of fun for me. I get to be the person whom I wish I was with when I’m the active partner. She liked ordinary sex well enough, but this was several times more interesting to her. Lucky me… sort of. She also became bipolar – like there was suddenly an evil twin popping up doing nasty destructive things. She wouldn’t get help so I had to get her out of my house. I put her in a separate bedroom while I helped her find a place to rent. Sometimes when I went to bed, she would show up and demand that I be available to her. When I refused, she threatened. She was a banker specializing in fraud, id theft, etc. and had stolen my whole identity. It was like holding a gun to my head.
Weirdly, I hadn’t thought of it as “rape” per se until a questionnaire accompanied a routine annual physical. Just straightforward factual questions built this profile of someone who’d been raped… repeatedly. While that’s the technical “truth” of it, I also have to say that my trauma wasn’t so sexual as psychological. I’ve had much worse trauma at the hands of women, for example threats to claim (falsely) that I had raped them or “behaved inappropriately.” That’s scary. I had a lot of second thoughts about my church when it happened to one of my friends who was a minister. The church flat-out stated that it is simply the denomination’s policy to believe the accuser – based, I suppose, on the theory that a woman would never bring up such a horrible thing if it were not true. Sometimes being a woman gets you right past any need for due process or the assumption of innocence, etc.
I just want to know women who know & like themselves… who like sharing, exploring and maintaining a relationship with love, care and fun in it. Is that so hard? Apparently so – and it’s probably just as bad the other way around – not making special claims for guys either…
OK – thanks for listening…
Dan